Wife gave me ‘bun’ with my friend

Dear Pastor,

I am 50 and I got married 25 years ago. That marriage produced a boy and a girl. Unfortunately, my wife left me for another man.

This man used to come to my house on Saturdays and Sundays with other friends and we played dominoes. My wife cooked and we all partied as friends.

One day we decided to go to Portmore at a friend's house. One of my friends said he could not go, so we thought nothing of it. I did not expect my wife to go, but this woman had a plan. We did not get back until about 9 p.m. When I got back, I found it strange that my friend who did not go with us was at my house. My wife told me at that he had come to see me to find out how the day went. But he could have called. We laughed and chatted, and then he left. The following day I asked my son when this man came to the house, and he said it was soon after we left. He said his mother and my friend went out and she did not come home until 4 p.m. But she asked him not to let me know. I could not bear the thought that my wife was having an affair.

When she offered me my dinner, I couldn't eat. I told her I didn't want anything from a whore. I held her, and she got down on her knees and begged me not to beat her. She started to tremble and said that if I didn't hit her, she would tell me the whole truth. That day, I decided that the police would have to come for me because I was going to give her a thrashing.

Imagine this man and I were such good friends and he was having sex with my wife! She told me that they went out, but they didn't do anything. I told her that cannot be true, because everybody in the group knows him as a 'ladies man'. So I held her by her throat again and she said he forced himself on her, and she could not push him off. I called this man and I told him never to come back to my house because my wife told me everything. That was the end of our friendship and my marriage.

I heard from others that when a woman gives a man bun, it is painful. I experienced it. A few weeks later, my wife left for the States and never returned, so I divorced her. It was after she left that other friends told me that they knew that she was keeping men with me, but they were afraid to tell me.

It has taken me a long time to decide to remarry, but I have found a woman and we have been going for seven years. My children call her Auntie. She is a professional and is educated. Since we have been together, she bought a home and she has rented it out. My ex is always telling the children that she hopes that I know that no woman will get her share of the house. The house is in both our names. I am a fair man. My lawyer has advised me what to do. This woman that I hope to marry wouldn't have to get anything from this house. My wife is jealous of her. I don't want to have anything to do with her. The children speak to her whenever she calls and they tell me what is going on with her. She is still bouncing around. According to the children, she says she doesn't want to remarry.

I have made up my mind to make another plunge in this institution called marriage, so I need your advice.

C.R.

Dear C.R.,

Your ex-wife knew exactly what she was doing. She planned with your male friend to deceive you, and for both of them to have time to go somewhere and have sex.

You trusted her. You believed what your friend told you about why he was not going with the others to Portmore to play dominoes. I am glad that your son told you that his mother and this man had left the house for many hours and did not return until a certain time. However, you restrained yourself from beating her. Had you done so, you could have got yourself in trouble. She trembled when she realised that you were angry and that you were going to throw some blows. So she made her escape a few weeks after the incident and she has not returned to Jamaica.

You were wise to divorce her. It seems to me that your present woman deserves your ring. Therefore, I suggest that you make an appointment with a family counsellor and spend some time in premarital counselling. I further suggest that you get some advice from an attorney. He or she would advise you about division of property. Give to your ex what she deserves; don't rob her at all.

Pastor