Babyfather wants to have an open relationship

June 01, 2023

Dear Pastor,

I am 27 and the mother of two boys and one girl. My two sons are for one man and my girl is for a different father. She lives with her father's mother, but I see her every weekend.

I was not fortunate to get married. The men in my life were players; they made big promises, but they never kept their word. My sons' father was married before he met me, but I did not know that he was married. The only promise that I know he kept was that he would buy me a car. One Christmas I was at home and he bought me a Honda that was in very good condition. He never told me how much it cost, but it was a happy Christmas for me.

He was supposed to spend Christmas with his mother and come for me on Boxing Day, but I was so excited over his gift, I convinced him to spend Christmas Day with us. By dinnertime he was drunk and both of us were in the house, because the children had gone to be with one of my sisters. By nightfall, I was sorry that I did not let this man go home. When he woke up it was late. By that time he sobered up, and I dropped him at his mother's house and returned home alone.

I invited another man to spend the time with me, because I knew that this man would not come back. I told my sister to keep the boys because I wanted to have some quality time with this man. I called the guy and told him that if he was up to it, he could come. He came, and it did not take us long to get into bed. But after about 30 minutes, he took me to his house because his girlfriend was in Florida. I spent the entire evening with him, but about midnight he took me home.

It was the first time I was cheating on my sons' father. For the entire Boxing Day this man never showed up. I cooked his favourite meal, red peas and rice and oxtail. He told me he was coming, and up to 9 p.m. he said some friends came by and they were having drinks and playing dominoes. I called him and told him that I was going to go out with some friends. I put on the wildest party garment and my friends picked me up. We grooved until about 4 p.m. the following day. When I told my sons' father, he refused to believe that I was not with another man. He told me he wanted the car back, so I gave him the keys because the car was not in my name. That was the end of our relationship. He tried to butter me up a few days later and drove the car to my house and gave the children the keys. I refused to drive it and insisted that he should come back for it.

I know I have made mistakes, but this was not the first time this man was treating me like a child. I am fed up with his behaviour. I started another relationship with my daughter's father, and it didn't take long for him to get me pregnant. So I now have three children and I am not married. I would love to get married, but my daughter's father doesn't show any interest in that. He says that he prefers if we have an open relationship. I can go wherever I want. He is not jealous. He doesn't question me much. It has taken me a while to adjust to this open relationship. He supports his daughter well and he is never late with the rent money. It seems as if marriage is not for me. Do you think I should just give up and go along with this open relationship?

Initial Withheld

Dear Writer,

This so-called open relationship is not good. You will never feel committed to this man, and he is not committed to you. He will always remember that both of you have a child together and the child must be supported. But I repeat, there is not more you can expect from this man. In any case, he has a girlfriend who is spending time in America. So the truth is, he cannot commit himself totally to you.

You were quite correct in handing back the car keys to your sons' father. The relationship started on lies, because he was married but never told you his true status. Frankly, you are too easy to get. You have to learn to take more pride in yourself. Since this man believes in an open relationship, I hope that he has told his girlfriend that he has a child with you.


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