Can’t believe my daughter is masturbating

August 25, 2022

Dear Pastor,

I am having a problem. I am living with my husband but I have a daughter who does not belong to him.

I have two boys for him. My husband is a good provider. I am working but what I make is small. Sometimes when I complain, my husband tells me that I am ungrateful to God because we are not suffering.

The problem I am having is with my daughter. She is on the worldly side. She is only 16 but she has the world and sex on her mind. Twice I have caught her masturbating. I could not believe what I saw. She has her own room and whenever she is in her room, she locks the door. That never bothered me because her two brothers share a bedroom and as a girl, my husband always said she must have privacy. But why should a girl her age be masturbating? She is very bright. She made a very big fuss when I told her not to lock her bedroom door any more.

I spoke to a counsellor and she told me that she will not hurt herself by masturbating so I should leave her alone. I was shocked because the counsellor is working with her church and she was encouraging my daughter to masturbate. I decided to have a serious talk with my daughter and I told her that she could continue to lock her door but I wanted to hear the truth. I asked her when she started having sex and she said since she turned 16. She went out with a group of girls her age and they slept together. I asked her if the girls were lesbians and she said none of them were but they masturbate and she has come to enjoy it.

She has a boyfriend who is 18. He asked her for sex but she told him that she was not ready for that. I told my daughter that I was disappointed in her. She said she was not doing anything wrong and it is better for her to masturbate than to bring trouble in the house.

I asked my pastor how I could get her to stop and she said that she needed to be sanctified. She has two daughters and none of them masturbate. My daughter wants to be a doctor. I don't want to drive her away or to force Christianity on her. I just want to hear from you whether what she is doing is right. I will be looking in the newspaper for your answer.

K.E.

Dear K.E.,

The counsellor suggested that you allow your daughter to lock her room door and to continue to have her privacy. The counsellor was quite correct. You did not want her to lock her door because you think that would have been a deterrent for her to masturbate. But if you took away her right from having the privacy that she has enjoyed, she will masturbate in other places such as the bathroom and when you and her siblings are not around.

You were alarmed to discover that your daughter masturbates. Some females start to masturbate at a very young age, much younger than 16. In fact, studies have shown that some have started to masturbate at the age of nine. It has nothing to do with her being a bad girl or that she has sex on her mind. When a person is becoming aware of their sexuality, he or she explores the body and may find pleasure in doing certain things that might be alarming to many adults.

At least your daughter told you that she has a boyfriend and he has asked her for sex but she refused. The best thing you can do is to reason with your daughter. Get close to her and assure her that you are not condemning her and that you will always have a listening ear.

Pastor

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