‘Friend’ offered to sleep with my man so I wouldn’t sin

Dear Pastor,

I am a 25-year-old woman and I am having some concerns. I have one child. His father and I have been living together.

Three years ago I became a Christian, and I told my boyfriend that we should stop having sex until we are married. He said that would be hard to do. I told him that we can get married just to make sure that we are doing what is right. He said that we should wait and ride out the pandemic. Every time he wanted to have sex and I said no, I felt so guilty. I watched him many times get up and go to the bathroom and masturbate. I spoke to my pastor about the problem, and he said that it was better to leave him than do something that is very wrong. I asked the pastor why I would leave a man with whom I have a child and who is not refusing to marry me. He was financially down because of COVID. My pastor didn't have a good answer for me.

WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?

I spoke to one of my girlfriends about my problem and she said that she would help me out. She said she would have sex with my fiance, but she wouldn't take him away from me. I was shocked. I told her that I would not trust her again. She asked me what are friends for. I told her that I would not suggest that to my boyfriend. She did not offer herself to my boyfriend, but she told me she was sorry for making the suggestion.

One night, I was asleep when my boyfriend came over me, and I found myself having sex with him. I told him to stop, but he would not listen. I have never seen him behave this way. He told me that I cannot stay in the house and not have sex with him, and if that is what I want to do, he is going to stop attending church or go out and pay prostitutes for sex. When he threatened to do that, I told him that we can have sex once per week until we get married.

I want to be a good Christian. He said nobody would know that we are having sex. I told him the Lord will know. Our wedding is set for Boxing Day and his relatives will be here from abroad. He has not been going to church; and since we resumed having sex, I have not gone to church, either. The pastor has tried to reach me by phone, but I have not returned his call. I am looking forward to your comments.

Y.E.

Dear Y.E.,

What I am about to say may not be accepted by many people, but I consider the advice given to you by your pastor as immature and crazy.

How could a spiritual leader advise you to leave the man with whom you are living and with whom you have a child? This is not a man you just met. This is your common-law husband and your child's father. What the pastor should have suggested is that this man and you could have had a very private ceremony with only two witnesses, and then in December you have a very big splash, with many guests. That would have freed up your conscience, and you would not feel guilty in doing anything wrong.

You were being a very wise young woman when you refused the offer from your girlfriend to meet the sexual needs of your boyfriend. I do not believe that she meant any harm, but if you had agreed to do so, you would have been 'putting butter into puss mouth'. Don't hold that against your girlfriend. She meant well.

I hope that you will forgive your pastor for believing that your man and you are only thinking of yourselves and not about serving the Lord. Pastors need to be more practical and in this case, your pastor needed more time to think.

Pastor