I have the worst luck with men

October 19, 2021

Dear Pastor,

I am 36. I have had a few lovers, but I do not have children. I have been legally married twice. I have never had a relationship that has lasted for more than three years.

I did not have sex until I graduated from university. My boyfriend did not have to persuade me. I told him that if we had sex he would have to marry me, and he agreed. We got married, and then the most terrible thing happened. I found out that this man was married. I almost died. I told him that I would never forgive him and he said all he wanted to do was to love me and to have sex with a virgin.

I got involved with another man, and he was a nice guy, but immature. I thought I could change him. We got married, but he was unable to get me pregnant. We went to many doctors. His relatives started to call me a mule and when I talked to him, he said he couldn't stop them. He wasn't making much money, so I had to pay all the bills. Sometimes I had to work late, while he used to do the cooking. He started to tell me that I should come home earlier. I told him that I will come home earlier when he is able to pay the bills. Everything we talked about, he told his relatives about it. We had a big argument and I called him a 'maama man'. He left the house and went to stay with his parents. I did a very stupid thing. I called the man who took my virginity. I was crying and he came over, and I ended up in bed with him. I could not believe that I did that.

I have been asking myself why I can't keep a man. I divorced the second guy. I am now living in the USA and I got married again. But this guy just pretended that he loved me. He was involved in drugs, so I became afraid of him. He got involved with one of my friends. I could not deal with it. So we separated, and then I divorced him.

I am now seeing a man who is in his 60s and he is the best man I have ever had. People think that I am with him because of what he can give me, but that is not so. I really love him. He treats me so well. His children also love me. He can give me what I need, and that is plenty of attention. He has the time. I see him every day. He does not like fast food, so I cook for him every weekend. I still have my own apartment. He told me that I should keep it, as long as I want to live alone. He can give me anything that I need. I think I am going to stick with this man. He is very smart. What do you think of this relationship?

A.P.

Dear A.P.,

Your letter is proof that a college education does not always make a person wise. You kept yourself and you promised that you would marry the man who took your virginity.

But you behaved as if all men were genuine. There are so many women like you who believe that you have something special that no other woman has. This man didn't see you as special, except for the fact that you were a virgin; and he wanted to have sex with a virgin. You did not check this man out thoroughly. You just believed what he told you and he tricked you. The man was a big liar, and your university training failed to help you to recognise that he was a liar and a deceiver.

I am sorry to know what he did to you. I don't want to be hard on you, but you were naive. Then after you kicked him out of your life and married another man, that guy did not help you, either. You wanted to have a man in your life, but you needed many counselling sessions to help you to make the right decisions.

Concerning this man who was dealing with drugs, you did the right thing by leaving him. If you had stayed with him, you might have ended up in prison, because many people have got arrested because their spouses are involved in drugs. It is not very easy for an innocent spouse to prove that he/she is not also involved.

Now you are with a much older man. He loves you and you love him. I hope that the relationship will grow stronger. I wish both of you well. Don't forget to pray and ask the good Lord to help you to make the right decisions.

Pastor

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